I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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