No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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