nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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