Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
