My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
