I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
