Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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