Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
