I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
