just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
