frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
