I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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