arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
