I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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