I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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