I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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