Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
