in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize