he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
