your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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