man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
