as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize