i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
