Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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