When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
