I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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