I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
