I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
