Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize