sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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