This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
