Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
