I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
