FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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