so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
