there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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