Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize