Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
