when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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