woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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