So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize