Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
