i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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