Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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