How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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