I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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