I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
