you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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