I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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