I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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