So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this will be a night to untag.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
