So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize