Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize