At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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