i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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