just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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